1. “I don’t feel like I really belong anywhere.”

Adoptees sometimes feel as though they are not wanted by anyone in their life after experiencing the loss of their birth family. This feeling develops when the child struggles to accept their placement and resist the assimilation into the family. However, this doesn’t happen to everyone who is an adoptee. What I have found as an adoptee therapist is the younger the child is when they are placed with their adoptive family the easier it is for them to accept the new environment.  

2. “I don’t look like everyone else.”  

My husband and I adopted a child who had a Caucasian mother and African-American father. To us, he is just our son, his skin color didn’t change how we felt for him. However, as he got older, he noticed the difference and struggled at times as he realized he didn’t look like my husband or I. We did everything we could to help him feel as though he belonged with us and offered him as much contact with other ethnic influences. Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make up for the loss of their natural born culture. However, what you can do is offer them as much experience as possible. Eventually, as they develop their personality and accept themselves for who they are, the problem isn’t as big a concern.  

3. “I just wanted to know the truth.”  

As an adoptive parent, I feared losing my adopted child to their birth parent. What I learned after being totally honest is that it deepened my relationship with my child. Other adoptive parents find this to be the truth as well because their adoptee could see the benefits of adoptions after the information was out. No one wants to be lied to about who they are or where they came from. Adoptees are no different. While not all situations are safe for adoptees to know about while young, they eventually need to know. This gives them the opportunity to fill in the blanks with the real information and not leave them guessing.

4. “It’s not always easy to love your adoptive family.” 

Merging different families can be difficult because people can just be different. Being different isn’t always bad but can be difficult when you are a child trying to live in a new home. If a child is placed while an infant the differences are fewer and the assimilation into the family are easier. However, lots of children get adopted when older. Moving into a new culture is extremely hard as you also get used to the new people who are stepping into the parental role. Love doesn’t happen instantly. It takes time to adjust and get to know people. Forcing yourself or the child only makes for a difficult transition that can cause resentment. Just as any relationship happens, love has to grow with adopted children as well. It takes time to cultivate a good relationship.  

5. “I was adopted through foster care, and I never felt like I could control anything; that’s why I always took control however I could, usually by getting in trouble.”  

Foster/Adopted children don’t get a choice when they are removed from their birth parents. They aren’t asked where they would like to stay. They are told by social workers, judges, and guardian ad litems what will happen next in their life. “I just wanted to protect myself” an adoptee who struggled with behaviors told me once. “They [social workers] kept putting me in [foster] homes with other kids who were mean to me. No one listened to how scared I was, so I ran away.”

In foster/adoptive situations, the ideal method is to match a child to their new home. However, the lack of foster homes and the large number of foster children do not always allow for this to occur. Behavioral issues tend to be the number one thing causing a child to be moved from their foster home and placed elsewhere. Giving an adoptee as many choices as possible within the parameter of acceptable choices help them feel more in control.

If adoption is approached correctly, the adoptee can have a lot of positive experiences. The key to this is listening to them and hearing how they feel. Answer questions as well as you can and with the information that is developmentally appropriate. If you aren’t sure how to approach the information, seek assistance from an experienced adoption therapist who can help your adoptee adjust in a healthy way.   

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1. As an adoptee “I got a second chance at getting new role models.”

When a child comes from a family plagued with issues, they often do not have positive role models to follow. So many circumstances play a role in the birth parent’s decision to relinquish parental rights; we can’t possibly cover them all here. In the situations I am familiar with birth parents have either lost their right to parent or have decided to place the child for adoption. Typically, these parents are younger and are not ready to change lifestyles to incorporate raising a child. In situations where parents willingly place their child for adoption, financial, health, or mental health issues might play a role. Being placed for adoption isn’t a death sentence but a life sentence that might make all the difference for the adoptees successful future. Successful adoptees include: Daunte Culpepper, professional football player, Faith Hill, country singer, Dave Thomas, Founder of Wendy’s Restaurants, Jesse Jackson, Minister. Steve Jobs, Co-founder of Apple.

2. “I have more people to love me.”

Sometimes single parents are not able to continue their role as parents due to lack of support. Raising a child takes a lot of resources, and without the help of an extensive support network, raising children might seem impossible. Many single mothers place their children for adoption to ensure their child has all of the resources necessary to live a happy and healthy life. If she is lucky, she can enter in an open adoption situation that will not only help her child but be supportive of her as well. Professional football player, and inspiration for the story The Blind Side,  Michael Oher is an example of gaining many more people to love him. His support system was limited, but when he joined his adoptive family, his entire world shifted.

3. “I can’t explain it; I never knew my birth parents, but I still miss them.” 

Not knowing your birth parents can leave a hole in a person’s soul that always keeps them wondering. This is why I always promote open adoption and giving the adopted child the opportunity to know the truth about their birth parents. Some information might be sensitive and more appropriate for an older age, but the premise is the same. Open, honest communication prevents resentment and anger in the future. Everyone goes through a phase of trying to figure out ‘who they are’.  Without the knowledge of where you came from, a true picture can’t be seen. Just because their birth parents made poor choices in life doesn’t mean the adoptee will be a poor choice maker. The importance is allowing adoptees to choose what is right for them. Singer, David Crosby’s birth son stated “He was worried about me being this angry young man–‘You abandoned me,’ that sort of thing. That wasn’t even an issue.”

4. “Adoption is the best thing that could have happened to me.”

There will be moments when the adoptee is struggling through adolescence and realizes they are different than their adopted parents. This is not an uncommon situation; however, it can cause difficulty in the adoptive relationship. Hurtful words might be said, but once the adoptee makes it through this developmental stage and realizes what it takes to raise a child, their thinking changes. Understanding the circumstances behind their adoption usually helps the adoptee forgive their birth parents for the choices they made to place them for adoption. Actor Brad Pitt states about his adoptive children: “They’re as much my blood as I am theirs. And they are brothers and sisters. One came from Ethiopia, one from Vietnam, one from Cambodia, and one was born in Namibia.”

5. “I love them all.”

Many adoptees have told me they love all of their parents, birth and adoptive included. Often children think they can only love one set of parents, but this is not true. There is nothing wrong with loving everyone who had taken a role in raising you because everyone has something different to add to your growth that can aid in your success. Adoptee, Rachel Crow stated “It is crazy because everybody is like, ‘she is not your real mom.’ And I am like, ‘yeah, she is!’”  

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