Depending on where and how your child came to you during the adoption process, this trauma can take on different forms. For some, there will be the eventual questions. Where did I come from? Why was I put up for adoption? Where are my birth parents now? Even if you have an open adoption where you are in contact with the birth family, the answers to these questions may not be what your child wants to hear, and those answers can lead to hurt feelings, and sometimes anger and resentment.

For others, especially those that come from the foster care system, trauma can take on a much more damaging form. The reality of foster care is that most of these children were removed for reasons that can haunt your family for a lifetime if not dealt with in a loving and effective way. How do you explain to your child why authorities removed them from their home, in an age-appropriate way that protects and shields their heart?

You don’t have to do this all alone, but where can we turn to when we are stuck? Here are a few sources to consider.

• Friends and family – Those loved ones who are closest to us can sometimes be our best ally in dealing with trauma. Why? Because they know us best. While they may not be experts in trauma, they can be there to lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on when we are just overwhelmed. In addition, those older members of our inner circle – the grandmas and grandpas among us, can sometimes be the best source of advice when dealing with difficult situations. Consider giving them a try first before you seek outside help.
• Other Foster and Adoptive Parents – There is strength in numbers. Chances are whatever trauma your little one is experiencing has been experienced by other parents in the same journey as you. Hopefully throughout this journey, you have connected with other adoptive parents in your local area or across the country. If not, now is the time to network with others. Some great ways to meet other adoptive parents are:
  • Facebook – Search for adoption groups
  • Meetup.com – if you are in a major metro area, you are sure to find a group here
  • Your Foster or Adoption Agency – contact your agency today. That is what they are there for.
  •  Adoption.com Community – The largest online community about adoption.
• Books – There is so much material out there in books to help us deal with the adoption experience. One incredible book used by many in the foster care and adoption community is “The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family” by Karyn Purvis. It is considered the handbook for parents in dealing with children that come from difficult situations. However, there are many others.
•  Your Pastor, Priest, or other religious leader – while this may not be an option for everyone, your church can be very helpful in dealing with trauma. The clergy and staff at your church deal with difficult family issues often. They can be a great resource, especially if they already know your family. Keep in mind that many churches are actively involved in the foster and adoptive community. There are quite a few foster and adoption agencies that are faith-based.
• Traditional Counseling – There may be a time during your journey when you will need the help of a licensed therapist to come alongside you and help your family. The most important thing here is to know when to get help. When considering a therapist, try to find one in your area that specializes in adopted children. You may want to reach out to your foster or adoption agency for a referral. These are questions they get often.

Creating your forever family through adoption is one of the most beautiful and rewarding things we will ever do. But parenting is not easy. As adoptive parents, we need the right resources at our disposal to tackle these issues head-on. What they say is true. It takes a village to raise a child, so make sure you reach for the help your little one needs when the way forward doesn’t always look as clear as it should.

The post Adoptee Trauma: Where To Find Help appeared first on Adoptee.org | Adopted, Search, Groups, Registry & Forum.

My wife and I adopted our two daughters last year on National Adoption Day. What a day that was! It was the culmination of three years of foster care. As happy as we were and continue to be about our adoption journey, one fact is inescapable. Our forever family was built from the ashes of a broken one. For our girls, there will always be a part of them that feels a loss. As much as we try to protect them from it, it is a part of the process, one that must be dealt with in a loving and effective way.

Regardless of how your children came to you on this journey, you will have to deal with the reality that there is a birth family out there somewhere. While there are adoptions that are open and contact has been maintained with them, in some cases, the birth family may choose to have no contact. In other cases, the circumstances prevent you from safely facilitating contact.

So what do you do? You cannot prevent your child from wanting to know where they came from. It is perfectly normal, and the questions will come. Where are my birth parents? What do they look like? Where are they now? Can I call them? Can I write them?

The age of your child and specific circumstances will dictate how you handle this situation. No one knows your child better than you. Here are some helpful tips on helping your child deal with birth parents that choose to stay out of their lives:

•        Always be truthful – This can be very hard at times, especially if the circumstances which resulted in your adoption are not pretty. But children have good memories, and hiding the truth will only lead to anger and resentment. By all means, be age appropriate. Our daughters are young, but they still know they have a “belly” mommy. They know they are adopted, even if they still don’t know all the details.
•        Never speak negatively about their birth family – Trust me, this will come back to haunt you. Remember, this is the family they come from. Negative talk about them may cause your child to feel shame about where they came from. Don’t go there.
•        Don’t invalidate their feelings – Try never to make your child think their feelings of loss are not valid. Let them know it is okay to be sad, frustrated, and even angry. Encourage them to talk about their feelings in a constructive way. For example, after a good cry, share a time in your life when you felt loss, and how you dealt with it.
•        Use books and media – There are many books and movies that deal with adoption. Be an avid researcher online, and be on the lookout for books that will help your little one deal with issues like these.
•        Write letters and draw pictures – Drawing and writing are some of the best ways to relieve frustration and stress. Encourage them to start a diary or a journal. If they are very young, have them draw out their birth parents to tell a story. I am not adopted, but when I was a teenager, I would write letters to my parents in my room to tell them how mad I was. When I was done taking out my frustration on paper, I found I almost always had a better outlook on the situation. Very few of those letters were read by anyone but me, yet they still helped me deal with my feelings in a positive way.

Unfortunately, we cannot control what our child’s birth parents choose to do. The reality is they may want no contact today, but years from now may have a change of heart. Then again, they may never want to see your child again. Your job does not change. You are the parent, and parenting can be hard sometimes. We must allow our hearts to be broken in the hopes of protecting our child’s heart. Our family was created not with biology at its core, but rather love. So love must dictate our course of action, as we travel through the adoption journey. When birth parents choose to be silent, let the love in your heart bang a loud thunderous drum that says you are in it for the long haul. You will be the constant in your child’s world when there seems to be no easy course.

To find and participate in adoption forums regarding search and reunion, visit Adoption.com/forums.

The post How To Handle Birth Parents That Want Zero Contact appeared first on Adoptee.org | Adopted, Search, Groups, Registry & Forum.