Here are a few tips on how to be an advocate for adoptees:

1) By supporting adoptive families, you are supporting the children they have adopted. There are moments in the lives of adoptive families when they are in desperate need of friends who will listen without judgment. The same goes for adoptees. Providing support and tending to their needs goes a long way.

2) Stay informed of the changes in adoption laws and statutes. These changes absolutely have a direct impact on those affected by adoption. If you are able to, write a letter to lawmakers about how changes will hurt or help adoptees.

3) Be willing to assist in research. If an adoptee asks for assistance in finding out information about biological parents or any other issue, be a partner in this. Don’t be afraid to ask questions.

4) Don’t buy into the negative stereotypes out there about adoption, adoptive families and adoptees. Everyone’s adoption experience is unique and while there are some bad situations that have happened, these do not, in any way, cover the entirety of the adoption community.

5) If an adoptee is struggling, just be present. You do not need to know or have all of the answers. Your presence speaks louder than words. 

6) If something is important (whether is a legal right or a decision needing to be made) to an adoptee, find out how you can help. You may have expertise in a particular area that would benefit an adoptee. Use it.

7) Don’t assume you know it all. Listen and learn from those who have been adopted. The more you learn and understand, the better you can share smart and truthful information to others. The last thing adoptees need are people who refuse to listen and learn.

Adoption is complex. It involves both love and loss. Adoptees need people in their lives who are willing to sit with them in the trenches and advocate on their behalf. Chances are, you could be that person.

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Depending on where and how your child came to you during the adoption process, this trauma can take on different forms. For some, there will be the eventual questions. Where did I come from? Why was I put up for adoption? Where are my birth parents now? Even if you have an open adoption where you are in contact with the birth family, the answers to these questions may not be what your child wants to hear, and those answers can lead to hurt feelings, and sometimes anger and resentment.

For others, especially those that come from the foster care system, trauma can take on a much more damaging form. The reality of foster care is that most of these children were removed for reasons that can haunt your family for a lifetime if not dealt with in a loving and effective way. How do you explain to your child why authorities removed them from their home, in an age-appropriate way that protects and shields their heart?

You don’t have to do this all alone, but where can we turn to when we are stuck? Here are a few sources to consider.

• Friends and family – Those loved ones who are closest to us can sometimes be our best ally in dealing with trauma. Why? Because they know us best. While they may not be experts in trauma, they can be there to lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on when we are just overwhelmed. In addition, those older members of our inner circle – the grandmas and grandpas among us, can sometimes be the best source of advice when dealing with difficult situations. Consider giving them a try first before you seek outside help.
• Other Foster and Adoptive Parents – There is strength in numbers. Chances are whatever trauma your little one is experiencing has been experienced by other parents in the same journey as you. Hopefully throughout this journey, you have connected with other adoptive parents in your local area or across the country. If not, now is the time to network with others. Some great ways to meet other adoptive parents are:
  • Facebook – Search for adoption groups
  • Meetup.com – if you are in a major metro area, you are sure to find a group here
  • Your Foster or Adoption Agency – contact your agency today. That is what they are there for.
  •  Adoption.com Community – The largest online community about adoption.
• Books – There is so much material out there in books to help us deal with the adoption experience. One incredible book used by many in the foster care and adoption community is “The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family” by Karyn Purvis. It is considered the handbook for parents in dealing with children that come from difficult situations. However, there are many others.
•  Your Pastor, Priest, or other religious leader – while this may not be an option for everyone, your church can be very helpful in dealing with trauma. The clergy and staff at your church deal with difficult family issues often. They can be a great resource, especially if they already know your family. Keep in mind that many churches are actively involved in the foster and adoptive community. There are quite a few foster and adoption agencies that are faith-based.
• Traditional Counseling – There may be a time during your journey when you will need the help of a licensed therapist to come alongside you and help your family. The most important thing here is to know when to get help. When considering a therapist, try to find one in your area that specializes in adopted children. You may want to reach out to your foster or adoption agency for a referral. These are questions they get often.

Creating your forever family through adoption is one of the most beautiful and rewarding things we will ever do. But parenting is not easy. As adoptive parents, we need the right resources at our disposal to tackle these issues head-on. What they say is true. It takes a village to raise a child, so make sure you reach for the help your little one needs when the way forward doesn’t always look as clear as it should.

The post Adoptee Trauma: Where To Find Help appeared first on Adoptee.org | Adopted, Search, Groups, Registry & Forum.

My wife and I adopted our two daughters last year on National Adoption Day. What a day that was! It was the culmination of three years of foster care. As happy as we were and continue to be about our adoption journey, one fact is inescapable. Our forever family was built from the ashes of a broken one. For our girls, there will always be a part of them that feels a loss. As much as we try to protect them from it, it is a part of the process, one that must be dealt with in a loving and effective way.

Regardless of how your children came to you on this journey, you will have to deal with the reality that there is a birth family out there somewhere. While there are adoptions that are open and contact has been maintained with them, in some cases, the birth family may choose to have no contact. In other cases, the circumstances prevent you from safely facilitating contact.

So what do you do? You cannot prevent your child from wanting to know where they came from. It is perfectly normal, and the questions will come. Where are my birth parents? What do they look like? Where are they now? Can I call them? Can I write them?

The age of your child and specific circumstances will dictate how you handle this situation. No one knows your child better than you. Here are some helpful tips on helping your child deal with birth parents that choose to stay out of their lives:

•        Always be truthful – This can be very hard at times, especially if the circumstances which resulted in your adoption are not pretty. But children have good memories, and hiding the truth will only lead to anger and resentment. By all means, be age appropriate. Our daughters are young, but they still know they have a “belly” mommy. They know they are adopted, even if they still don’t know all the details.
•        Never speak negatively about their birth family – Trust me, this will come back to haunt you. Remember, this is the family they come from. Negative talk about them may cause your child to feel shame about where they came from. Don’t go there.
•        Don’t invalidate their feelings – Try never to make your child think their feelings of loss are not valid. Let them know it is okay to be sad, frustrated, and even angry. Encourage them to talk about their feelings in a constructive way. For example, after a good cry, share a time in your life when you felt loss, and how you dealt with it.
•        Use books and media – There are many books and movies that deal with adoption. Be an avid researcher online, and be on the lookout for books that will help your little one deal with issues like these.
•        Write letters and draw pictures – Drawing and writing are some of the best ways to relieve frustration and stress. Encourage them to start a diary or a journal. If they are very young, have them draw out their birth parents to tell a story. I am not adopted, but when I was a teenager, I would write letters to my parents in my room to tell them how mad I was. When I was done taking out my frustration on paper, I found I almost always had a better outlook on the situation. Very few of those letters were read by anyone but me, yet they still helped me deal with my feelings in a positive way.

Unfortunately, we cannot control what our child’s birth parents choose to do. The reality is they may want no contact today, but years from now may have a change of heart. Then again, they may never want to see your child again. Your job does not change. You are the parent, and parenting can be hard sometimes. We must allow our hearts to be broken in the hopes of protecting our child’s heart. Our family was created not with biology at its core, but rather love. So love must dictate our course of action, as we travel through the adoption journey. When birth parents choose to be silent, let the love in your heart bang a loud thunderous drum that says you are in it for the long haul. You will be the constant in your child’s world when there seems to be no easy course.

To find and participate in adoption forums regarding search and reunion, visit Adoption.com/forums.

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1. Facebook

I started my search using Facebook, which took me to places I never expected. I was fortunate enough to make it on the local news. They shared my quest to find my family. This may not happen for everyone, but it’s worth a shot.

You can take a picture of yourself holding a poster with your information on it, your birth name, date of birth and any other information you have, and post it on Facebook. Then ask people to share it. Trust me, it will get around and maybe just maybe someone from your birth family will see it and contact you. You may even want to make a video or blog about your journey!

2. Family Services

You can also go through the DHR in the state in which you were born in. You can write to them with your information and also call them. They will then contact you if they find any information out for you. This process may take six months to hear back from them, so be patient!

3. Your Birth Hospital

Also if you know the hospital which you were born in, contact them, and ask questions. You may be able to see about getting your original birth certificate. It doesn’t hurt to ask!!

4. Registries to Help You Find Your Birth Parents

Register in all the adoption registers available online. Get your information out there on the adoption sites because the more you get your information out there the better luck you will have. You can start with the largest registry, Reunion Registry, and even reach out on the largest adoption community.

5. Private Investigators

You may also want to look into private investigators you can hire to help you in your search. Do research on them before you hire one, though. There are some private investigators that are not very good. You can also learn more about adoption search angels.

6. Check Your State Laws

Also check in your state where you were born and see if original birth certificates are closed or open now. Some states are open now and if that’s the case, you should be able to get your hands on your adoption papers. There papers may tell you your birth mom’s name and other information to help you in your search. The state in which I was born is still closed, but that’s okay. I learned so much during my journey that I wouldn’t take back.

BONUS: Have you thought about DNA testing? Many adoptees have found family members through at-home DNA testing.

Most importantly you need a support team behind you pushing you along, giving you ideas along the way that maybe you haven’t thought about. You have to remember one thing in all this: you can’t give up on the journey you’re fixing to head down. It may not happen overnight, it may take a while, but it’s okay. Keep an open heart in it.

To join in on the adoption discussion, follow these boards and participate in these forums at Adoption.com/forums.

The post 6 Ways You Can Find Your Birth Parents appeared first on Adoptee.org | Adopted, Search, Groups, Registry & Forum.

For many of us who have been adopted our past is a large question mark. I was adopted over 30 years ago where the concept of an “open adoption” didn’t really exist. Even today there are often question marks about an adoptee’s past. We have international adoptees, adoptees from foster care, and those adopted as infants. For many there is this void of “where do I come from?” I decided to try to answer some of those questions through DNA testing. Now I am not here to recommend one place or another to do this. There are many options out there now for people who want to find out their cultural heritage and more, so do your research and go with what feels right to you. What I am here to give you are four reasons that you might find DNA testing to be helpful.

Why not? What are you waiting for?

Some people may say, “Why do it?”

I say, “Why not?”

All you need to do is provide a little saliva. By doing that, an entire world can open up to you. It’s not scary. Companies make it easy. And you will learn about your heritage. It will give you some answers to start filling in that big, old question mark that may be your past.

It adds another piece to the puzzle of who you are.

I often see adoption as a bit of a puzzle. There are the puzzle pieces from the biological family, the puzzle pieces from the adoptive family, and then the puzzle pieces from the adoptee. All these puzzle pieces come together to make one’s adoption story. Finding out your cultural heritage is just another piece in that puzzle. When I had my DNA tested there were some parts that didn’t surprise me at all; like the fact that I am 38% English. Then there were other parts that really surprised me–like the fact that I am 20% Eastern European and 14% Scandinavian. It was pretty amazing to see all the different cultures that made me and helped add to the completion of the puzzle of who I am.

A connection to family.

Many times when you go through DNA testing you find matches to potential extended family members. This may be an important link for some adoptees who are hoping to find/connect with extended family. While these leads may not transpire into anything it is a good place to start.

You don’t know where DNA testing might lead.

While I have listed this as the final reason, it really could be the first. You don’t know the endless possibilities of where this might lead. Whether you find your birth mother, birth father, an aunt, uncle, or third cousin, you will have the opportunity to follow a path of discovery. While it may be scary to start, you have know idea what hidden treasures may be discovered and what connections can be made.

If you’re interested in having reliable, professional help on your adoption search and reunion, be sure to check out the free consultation from Adoption Detectives. Just click here!

To join discussions and message boards about search and reunion through DNA, visit Adoption.com/forums.

The post 4 Reasons You Need To Try DNA Testing To Find Your Birth Family appeared first on Adoptee.org | Adopted, Search, Groups, Registry & Forum.

1. Please do tell me I was adopted. Don’t “take the secret to the grave.” This one should be obvious these days, but I still hear people throwing out that idea. That’s a bad idea for a lot of reasons, but one reason is that there isn’t much that makes it “to the grave.” There will be something that will give it away, and then you will have very seriously breached the trust of someone you probably love very much and for whom you care deeply.
2. Tell me immediately. I knew I was adopted before I even knew what it meant. I can remember being four years old and hearing my parents talk about me, “This is our youngest… she’s very intelligent and she’s adopted!” I remember thinking “adopted” meant “smart.”
3. Please do find out something about my biological family to share with me if possible. And shape the story so it’s positive. No, don’t lie, but look at what you know as a whole, and do your best to paint a positive picture. You may even want to write down your version of events and memorize it so that your story doesn’t change. I can remember “quizzing” my parents and listening for conflicting information. The information I received from my parents always checked out, which made me feel secure. And, let me repeat, don’t lie. I’m pretty sure that’s how my parents’ information always checked out.
4. Provide a photograph if possible. I can recall thinking about my biological mother and father, but I didn’t have a photograph. I would have liked a photo just to clear up the cloudy picture in my head.
5. Allow the discussion to unfold naturally. My parents allowed me to talk about being adopted as much or as little as I wanted. They didn’t try to pry me open, but they didn’t avoid questions or discussions either.
6. I was very often “on the lookout” for biological relatives. I can recall visiting a church while we were traveling in an unfamiliar town when I was around ten years old. I saw another girl around my age who looked like me. I was convinced we were long lost sisters. When I was in fifth grade, I made a new friend at school who was also adopted. Our birthdays were just sixteen days apart. We believed we might be long lost twins.
7. I had no intention of offending my adoptive parents by seeking biological relatives. I was lucky that my parents were both protective of me, and they were open to me meeting relatives when the timing was right.
8. When I was little I daydreamed that my biological family was special. I identified with Pippi Longstocking, and I fantasized that my family was out there “across the sea” as a king or queen of an island nation.
9. Our birthday is very important to us. For most of my life, my birthday was the only time I was certain that I had a connection to my biological mother. I knew that, on that very day, she was definitely out there, somewhere, thinking about me at the same time I was thinking about her.
10. Semantics: Our biological parents are our biological parents; the parents who adopted us are our real parents. I always do a double-take when people get that confused.

To find adoption discussions and forums for adoptees, visit Adoption.com/forums.

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